Are You Addicted to Approval? Here’s the Secret to Get Free
As a leadership coach, I’ve noticed that one of the most subtle yet powerful themes in people’s lives, including my own, is the longing for approval. It assumes many forms: perfectionism, over-achievement, people-pleasing, constant performance, or a quiet fear of disappointing others. It may seem like you’re always saying yes when your whole being wants to say no, or seeking praise after every project, relationship, or decision. It can even manifest as anxiety when you don’t receive validation, a gnawing feeling that you are not enough until someone else affirms you. For many years, I didn’t recognise this in myself. I called it “being responsible,” “doing my best,” or “making others comfortable.” But beneath these noble disguises lay a quiet, unseen dependency, an approval addiction.
The Subtle Bondage of Approval
The most painful aspect of approval addiction is that it disguises itself as love. We think that if others are pleased with us, we are safe, seen, and valued. But in reality, the more we depend on external validation, the further we stray from our own inner compass. It becomes a form of self-neglect; we delegate our worth to others’ opinions.
And over time, we forget what our own truth even sounds like.
Carl Jung described this as the process of individuation, the journey of becoming complete by integrating the hidden, disowned parts of ourselves. A.H. Almaas, in The Pearl Beyond Price, describes it as the journey of rediscovering our Personal Essence, that part of us that recognises its worth without needing the world’s applause. When we constantly seek approval, it is often our ego’s attempt to fill a bottomless void, the original wound of not feeling seen or accepted as we are. This pattern usually has roots in childhood, where love was unconsciously experienced as conditional: “I am loved when I behave,” “I am valued when I achieve,” “I am safe when I please.”
So we grow up mastering the art of fitting in, performing, and being ‘good’, but in doing so, we lose the intimacy of being genuine.
The Enneagram Mirror
For example:
- Type Two (The Helper) often seeks love through giving and being indispensable.
- Type Three (The Achiever) equates worth with success and performance.
- Type Nine (The Peacemaker) avoids conflict to preserve acceptance and harmony.
Each type learns early in life that approval ensures belonging. But what begins as a strategy for survival becomes a limitation to freedom. The Enneagram does not shame these patterns; it sheds light on them with compassion. It helps us understand that behind every approval-seeking urge lies a more profound desire to be loved for who we are, not for what we do.
The Turning Point: Listening Within
Freedom begins the moment we dare to pause and listen to the quieter, wiser voice within, the one that whispers beneath the noise of expectation. The truth is, approval addiction cannot be “fixed” through more striving. You can’t think your way out of it. It dissolves only through awareness and gentle self-compassion.
In my own journey, I realised that the approval I sought from others was actually the approval I had withheld from myself. The more I judged myself, the more I looked outward for reassurance. But when I began to honour my truth, even when it made others uncomfortable, I discovered a different kind of peace.
It’s the peace that comes from integrity.
From living aligned with your essence, not your ego.
From allowing yourself to be real, not right.
What Freedom Really Feels Like
When you begin to let go of approval addiction, you might feel lost at first, unsure who you are without the constant feedback of others. This is normal. The old identity built around pleasing and performing will start to crumble.
But on the other side of that discomfort lies something beautiful: authenticity.
You begin to act from inner clarity rather than obligation.
You speak your truth without fearing rejection.
You make decisions that honour your values, not someone else’s expectations.
This is not arrogance, it’s self-trust.
And when you live from self-trust, you lead differently. You love differently. You become a mirror for others to do the same.
The Secret to Getting Free
Here’s what I’ve learned:
The secret to getting free from approval addiction isn’t about changing how others see you; it’s about changing how you see yourself.
When you stop outsourcing your worth, you stop negotiating your truth.
You stop performing and start being.
You stop needing permission and start living.
And slowly, you realise that the love, respect, and validation you’ve been chasing were never meant to come from outside. They were always meant to be remembered within.
Three Reflective Self-Inquiry Prompts
Whether you’re doing this work personally or with your clients, here are three questions that open the doorway to awareness and self-liberation:
- Where in my life do I still seek approval at the cost of my authenticity?
- Whose voice am I still trying to please, and what would change if I no longer needed their approval?
- What does self-approval look and feel like for me, in words, actions, and boundaries?
